mental health
Coping with holiday ho-hum may be a matter of setting expectations
By Pat Mooney
For Coastal Senior
Blame it on Old Man Winter
Our holiday season coincides with the Winter Solstice, when the sun is at its southern most point in the sky. The ancients celebrated the beginning of longer days and shorter nights in the Northern Hemisphere with a winter festival. Some of us though cannot enjoy holiday celebrations due to a mood disorder.
For some, depression is linked to long nights so when they get shorter the depression lifts. Mental health clinicians call this Seasonal Affective Disorder or S.A.D. With others, the lengthening of the days doesn't bring relief. The gloom persists. This is clinical depression.
The good news is that depression can be treated effectively. Contact your physician or a mental health professional, the Single Point of Entry 1-866-713-7763, First Call for Help (912) 651 7730, the Center for Behavioral Medicine at Memorial (912) 350 5600. In an emergency, call 911.
"Deck us all with Boston
Charlie
Walla Walla Wash and
Kalamazoo.
Nora's freezing on the trolley
Swaller dollar cauliflower
allagaroo.
Don't we know archaic barrel
Lullaby Lilli Boy Louisville
Lou.
Trolley Molly don't love Harold
Diddle daddle, fiddle faddle,
goof goof goof!"
To the tune of "Deck the Halls" and with apologies to Walt Kelly for abbreviating his classic "Pogo Christmas Carol."
Holidays are meant to be fun and one great way is to sing this silly song with family and friends numerous times during this season. The holidays are also a time of peace, joy, happiness and good cheer. It's a time when many of us get in touch with the spiritual side of our lives and when we reconnect with family and friends. We give, receive and share. But some find the holidays unpleasantly stressful and would rather not go through the hassle - bah humbug and all that! Others are clinically depressed and find it almost impossible to enjoy much of anything including the holidays.
If the holidays aren't what you'd like them to be, there are some things that you can do to make the season a cheerier.
Last year, we talked about the importance of reasonable expectations: for yourself, for others and for your budget. Guess what? They're still important. Want to refresh your memory? Go to www.coastalsenior.com click on the Archive tab on the left then click on December 2001.
Here's a quick review: Reasonable expectations of yourself, others and your budget are the key to enjoying the holidays.
Reasonable expectations for yourself include:
Pace yourself and take some time for yourself even if it's just a few minutes a day.
Moderation in food and alcohol is important as is relaxation and exercise. The toys aren't the only things that need to have their batteries recharged!
Also, if you've suffered a recent loss it's unreasonable to expect yourself to be happy and cheerful. Be gentle with yourself and be around people who understand you and your situation.
Reasonable expectations of others?
Some are the same as you adopt for yourself.
Expecting others to hyperextend themselves can lead to frustration on everyone's part.
Expecting adult family members who live happily in different states to get along famously when smooshed together in a week of constant contact may not be realistic. "Win/win" communication is the key to resolve conflict, and we'll look at that in a minute.
Realistic budget expectations can be met by giving of yourself and your time and keeping in mind that the sweet wine of spending leaves a nasty hangover come the new year if you overdo it. Make a realistic budget and stick to it.
How do you work toward "win/win" resolutions to conflict? Ed Pietler, a psychologist friend of mine, tells the story of two people who want one orange. The solution? Cut it in half? That's not acceptable to either. Flip a coin? A sure win/lose outcome. Let 'em duke it out and to the victor belongs the orange? Another win/lose answer or maybe even lose/lose since both may be bloodied. What to do?
Open communication, where you look for solutions to find what each person really wants is the answer. The solution won't be reached through deception, manipulation or "power plays." If both say clearly what they want; if both tip their hand and are willing to listen with an open mind; if both are ready to change their original request in search of a better answer that neither one thought of originally; then you may find that one wants the orange to make juice while the other wants the peel to shred into a holiday potpourri. Both can get exactly what they want and all that they want - a win/win solution that's not apparent at the outset. It's a simple lesson with broad application.
Frequently only one of the two parties has to approach the situation correctly in order to reach a win/win solution. For example, the potpourri person may just say, "I'm making some potpourri and all I really want is the peel" then the thirsty one knows that he or she loses nothing. So when you're faced with the inevitable holiday conflict think of the orange story and adapt it to your situation.
Here are some steps to keep in mind. Start off with "the facts, just the facts." You want to promote dialogue. If you start off with a demand, a threat or a pointed question you may never get to the facts because you've set the stage for conflict and promoted defensiveness in the other person. If a person approaches you in a demanding way, remember that not everyone reads his or her "Relationship Manual." Work to keep your own defensiveness down. Relax and take a deep breath. It takes two to tangle.
Got feelings about the situation? Own up to them without blaming them on anyone else. Tired, frustrated, irritated? If you let the other person know your feelings without blaming you can open the door to greater understanding. Both of you may feel the same way and want to feel differently.
Next, clearly and precisely state what you want. Remember the deal with the orange. If neither of our orange protagonists said what they wanted from the orange, they may have not reached the best solution.
Explore alternatives and respect the other person and his or her position. Look for compromise and common ground.
And there are times when you really can't resolve the conflict. Neibuhr's Serenity Prayer is helpful at times like this. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
Move on without holding a grudge for "next time." There's plenty to enjoy this season and our happiness is our choice more often than we realize. Happy holiday!
Pat Mooney is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Savannah. You can e-mail him with suggestions for future columns at
patmooneymssw@att.net
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